Mania

Sweet brown sugar scent

 permeates everything

because every word  spoken

came out all wrong

because everything was more intense than it really was

 gauged, by the responses I got .

I need to go back to a university

Where people don’t give a shit,

Just like in the ‘real world’

Because people like me

cannot exist without fame

And constantly being ignored

I want to tell you everything

So badly,

without sounding like some crazy ex-boyfriend

You once knew.

Their eyes sometimes burn into me

Leaving tracers of who they are

-a child as it sat in the grass

-a boy on a skateboard

-A woman at the farmer’s market

I remember them for a few days and animate their eyes

the madness I take them for

as we all play house

here in the suburbs

our spirits dying slightly

with every traffic-laden Friday afternoon

critical eyes tearing up everything

inside the mental library

I haven’t ever really organized

As I drink coffee religiously

Because ethanol has become a burden

As all things come second to our transportability

As the words:   

Layercake

Graphene

 And incarceration

 Float aimlessly in the cabin of a pickup

Driven by an aged-beyond-years prophet

That only wants to be loved by his mother

This is where I sit. Frozen and Stagnant

I dream so Loudly

That I heard their car come to a screech

and crash down the street,

I invited them to come live in my garden

But nobody died.

So I went out to weed the next morning

Dreaming of coming on the faces

of all those models I once knew

who now have also dropped out of the IVY

and got addicted

and work at In-n-out

and destroyed every connection to me

because I am the devil

bearing consumable gifts.

I want to tell you how I ride the mountain

And how they eviscerated my wings

 hanging them up like spread trophies

monuments of what advantages

money has over poverty

as I learned about ‘hobo code’ and the difference

between the middle and wealthy classes.

I want to hold you and touch your skin

Which I am sure is guarded by now,

As if you haven’t had just as much experience

everyone that inhabits this space surely has

to bring light to this place

as I only know of one way

Seeking the mechanics of everything

Is the failing business

That I run, because I know how to steal

The sport was lost years ago… with my wings

When I was left on the side of the road unconscious

And walked back to the suburbs

Where I became trapped in cul-de-sac s

And nobody ever believed I had ever

been close enough to god

To spit in his face