so much, so many

Heal me.
in the fire of the sound, satiate my disease, satiate this infection
I feel so numb to the horizon
And I fear nothing
Save for the dawns that will not come
As if only to be haunted by the echoes of the hopes that I once held precious
Pull me from this wreckage
Absolve me of this ache

The words so clumsily
Fumbling to describe
That thing; that thing, in this reality
So I turn to talking about black holes or some bullshit
I feint and struggle and mumble
Stark and naked like this thing that sits before me I can’t describe
Mired in how inconceivable I am to others

And it feels chilled extremities in a warm bath
Cool, and slightly electric

Calming but slightly catastrophic
Like awakening in darkness in a familiar place
From dreaming of all the lives you may never lead
And yet they always feel like deja vous
It always seems familiar though its completely beyond this reality
Busily superseding this guise
In the power that absolves all of this
Like watching water drain out of the sink
A thousand times at some other kitchen job
Each time dispersing of your life one curious sink-full at a time
As some mysterious time-consuming force absolves you of yourself
Envisioning the vortex
yet remaining vulnerable to the incessant pull
in this plane
manifested as some other distraction

it is there in the sand
as a taste of absolution
as if to remind the imminentness of this universe
is that it will be finitely impermanent

Familiar

(in memory my good friend)




Sharing in the toxoplasmosis
The universe that wrought us this moment
Indistinguishable from the next
As a thirst that is never quantifiable
As the hurt seeps out of me so slowly
And I wish I could hold you in this moment
And the next and the next
And all I want to do is cry so loudly
That my thoughts bleed out like ink
Dribbling away the color for all this anger
Like seething behind this plastic face
That constantly seems to be stuck apologizing for nothing
these daylight hours that have become endless
In this land that is neither desert nor jungle
And I wish I could hold you in this moment
And the next and the next
And I want to cry so deeply
that it undoes all of the mistakes
that it revokes all the shortcomings of myself
that it rains down over this windswept hell
I know not to waste water;
I learned this from you.
And how to see through walls
how to see through minds
As we have spent so much life
As conversion of that to memory
I cannot accept.
And I wish I could hold you in this moment
And the next and the next
And I want to cry so endlessly
That darkness pours from the earth
Annihilating everything in its wake.
And the sun will rise in apathy
time will separate us into factions
as we all become lost mariners in the tides of time
faring our own oceans
dreaming our own dreams
in this moment
in the persistence of our memories
I will honor you, by never forgetting what you taught me.