Dahlias

As I mix the color of your skin

I seemingly make you out with always the wrong pigment

I cannot recall your pale hue through time

Your fiery hair set me ablaze

In those years that have slipped away

When chemicals permeated everything

As the sun dies, realizing your flowers have fallen

In the winter that came to grip us mercilessly

Though I think of you often when the dahlias are in bloom  

Mute

I sought your face in the falling rain

come to me, comfort me

With the frost of your bitter words

And the splash of biting cold

 I remember you through velveteen curtains

Binding everything in the spice

With those chapping caustic salts

We wove together a new world

That once remembered our fates

Illuminated in the phosphorescence

Sickness bound everything and brought it screaming to the ground

And I love it.

I love a world that is equal but unfair

I watch the footwork with my hands

This perverse atonement exchanged a thousand times over

Trapped Until I see nothing but the blur of lights

Traffic of the world we once sought to accommodate

drowning in the splashing maelstrom

I dropped through the event horizon

became forced to talk in echoes

and heard everything in matte lacquer     

    

Feind

Falling forward through time

Beyond compassion, pity, or humanity

I look back upon this place and question my role in its activities

What a disgustingly human behavior

I can’t get them out of my skin

I can’t take my eyes off of their muscular legs as I wonder the taste-

When did I get so addicted?

for the faint of heart

when did you become so pathetic?

Remember: doubt destroys everything

Nhilism 2

And riding into a big I-don’t-know-what

Gigantic thing.

and we plant the polyps, these ones are good,

really good

made of the fresh hot misery of innocent girl

caught in the crossfire from my sharp tongue

and the vacuum of her self-worth

and the words fell out of me like dead critters, man

“I am too old to put up with people that don’t believe in themselves”

I mean that.

I too would like the one-way ticket out of here

But that subway waits like so many unsuspecting trees

And half-as entertaining

Draw some lines

In the sand, with some cans, in cocaine, in ketamine hydrochloride

“time marches on…”

Tell me all about the cold; I live in southern California.

I am too busy to hold any heart

Too dry to sprout any seed

but I am just the right age to plant polyps

smack in the middle of it

the skittering eyes can’t even see it coming

but-  it is not the sting of a venom laced harpoon

rater- the sarcastic blown-kiss

that reeking bile that slips out of the corners of my lips

when I say things like “praise the lord”

or “two famous-stars with cheese; and do you think you could make them with santa-fe-sauce instead of mayonnaise. Yeah, with cheese, thanks.”

And Like everything else

it falls apart like a house of cards.

avian

Their dilapidated wings flitter against the broken asphalt

As I look behind them deeply,  in the ground

“I don’t like birds.” I say to nobody

Because nobody is here

There aren’t any birds

Freight Bombing

Reading the boxcars

Goliath iron makers

Deep into who-knows-where for who-cares-why

Echoes Rolling on into a sick world of clanking metal

the counter-culture

is held under the knife

Each painting triggering a flash of déjà vu

past experiences that never took place

Pile chemicals into the immolation

burning my heart

infect me more deftly, I seek nothing

Because I am through with it

Would it be fair to say: “I missed you” ?

A vacant longing for a faceless plethora of color

All those human flowers plastered on those great wyrms

In a vulgr attempt to linger, but not be forgotten

Because we would rather die than be prisoners

In this dead world of iron and stone

 that tore the trees from my grasp

to leave the world a better place

trivial justifications against a barren backdrop

trivial sideways words, to combat paper shields  

do not betray me now  when they have lain waste to the beauty we keep

when we have forsaken so much to carry on

I sought to be invisible

As long as I could be seen by one other

Who could see me for what I am

That person is a fiction, like many things

Forget me! Forget that I passed through this place

Could you not see me for what I am?

For what  I do, or for what I mean

And I fall amongst the worthless in this world of academics

I am of the dark family

That sacrificed so much to be this way

it has been a  long time coming

we are down to the wire

where I crushed my soul into my hands

and forced it out of them

 it was what i could do, but not nearly enough

to help anyone see

it kills me to know that my children have been forfeited

the leviathan has fallen, we simply decorate its carcass

that one day others may pluck it’s scales

and hold them to the sky to hide from the raining wrath

as we slip through the wasteland of metal tracks

breathing beasts  in the frost of the night

sauntering between the agreeable world we sacrificed

the collapse is all-encompassing

the feeble attempts of reconstructing my flowers

into a world of metal that roars on into the night

I forgive you.

But I can never trust another again.     

Nhilism 1

within the halls of this house the river dies.
birds depart under the glorious sky
the fading sun screams your name
and I? I vanish

ther is never a good way to stand down
as the back seat fills with mindlessly colorful things
and the barking dogs run once anything enters the gate
because it was all a show

you could say; "a dog an pony show."
but where the FUCK are the FUCKING ponies?

nobody gives two-shits about the ponies.

fuck your ponies
fuck your dogs

it is the sound and the fury we live for; the song and the dance luckily i can both sing and dance... in my way
but who cares about that it is what one might call "irrelevant"

like so many of these other surrogate activities that the whole world seemed to think was important this too, is as cheap and as stupid as it ever was and evaporates to signify nothing

ironically, so does everything else
...just give it some time .

paralysis

 ideals of justice, righteousness, and worth

rooster-tails spraying everything I pass over

echoing a time when I didn’t feel so impotent

asphyxiating in the constant sigh of central heating

where is everything that I took pride in?

manifestations of vanity that I came to know well

strangled by their own cords in the reticulation of my mind

I wanted everything, wanted everything to be different

Sedated by solstice, those conventional terms of consciousness falter

Evacuate my lungs feigning pollution, corruption, and infection

I too, sought great things of people scattered as myself

Maintained a sense of hope in the chasms that do not seek visitors

It all seemed so important then, it was… unique

Feel the broad strokes of black wings everything seems to be

that undulating umber that I sought to touch so fervently

holds the lasting effect the tender wounds that time must heal

As I smothered fables of a past life in ink, acrylic, and lacquer

I sought the faces of all that I had ever loved

Only now realizing; the only people that love me are the ones I create

Mannequins I vandalize into obscure gains that claim valor in this world

Wrought iron bars and cinderblocks reverberate the various cages

As  though everything becomes light-headed in this attempted disneyland

Chlorine fills the air in the plastic halls they walk, thoughtlessly

Standing out against this sterilized canopy, to make easier targets

I was once a creature of great bounty  and skittishly creep

in the alleys they built on ruins: places I thought  of as my own

will I ever learn to master things like; forgiveness, reconciliation, and affection

forgotten after so much time dissolving in acid

each second etches another black mark against my name

with the depravation of air I so desperately need

how can one reconcile time in the wake of so much loss?

holding on to a paralyzing fear of letting go 

Volta

As I asphyxiate without it

Crushing all things into tight spheres

Wondering how anything ever

Mattered before this

Randomly thinking in broken expressions

The philodendron made a great point:

“do what you love.”