so much, so many

Heal me.
in the fire of the sound, satiate my disease, satiate this infection
I feel so numb to the horizon
And I fear nothing
Save for the dawns that will not come
As if only to be haunted by the echoes of the hopes that I once held precious
Pull me from this wreckage
Absolve me of this ache

The words so clumsily
Fumbling to describe
That thing; that thing, in this reality
So I turn to talking about black holes or some bullshit
I feint and struggle and mumble
Stark and naked like this thing that sits before me I can’t describe
Mired in how inconceivable I am to others

And it feels chilled extremities in a warm bath
Cool, and slightly electric

Calming but slightly catastrophic
Like awakening in darkness in a familiar place
From dreaming of all the lives you may never lead
And yet they always feel like deja vous
It always seems familiar though its completely beyond this reality
Busily superseding this guise
In the power that absolves all of this
Like watching water drain out of the sink
A thousand times at some other kitchen job
Each time dispersing of your life one curious sink-full at a time
As some mysterious time-consuming force absolves you of yourself
Envisioning the vortex
yet remaining vulnerable to the incessant pull
in this plane
manifested as some other distraction

it is there in the sand
as a taste of absolution
as if to remind the imminentness of this universe
is that it will be finitely impermanent

Familiar

(in memory my good friend)




Sharing in the toxoplasmosis
The universe that wrought us this moment
Indistinguishable from the next
As a thirst that is never quantifiable
As the hurt seeps out of me so slowly
And I wish I could hold you in this moment
And the next and the next
And all I want to do is cry so loudly
That my thoughts bleed out like ink
Dribbling away the color for all this anger
Like seething behind this plastic face
That constantly seems to be stuck apologizing for nothing
these daylight hours that have become endless
In this land that is neither desert nor jungle
And I wish I could hold you in this moment
And the next and the next
And I want to cry so deeply
that it undoes all of the mistakes
that it revokes all the shortcomings of myself
that it rains down over this windswept hell
I know not to waste water;
I learned this from you.
And how to see through walls
how to see through minds
As we have spent so much life
As conversion of that to memory
I cannot accept.
And I wish I could hold you in this moment
And the next and the next
And I want to cry so endlessly
That darkness pours from the earth
Annihilating everything in its wake.
And the sun will rise in apathy
time will separate us into factions
as we all become lost mariners in the tides of time
faring our own oceans
dreaming our own dreams
in this moment
in the persistence of our memories
I will honor you, by never forgetting what you taught me.

numb.

It glistens like a far off shore
A white horizon into darkness
In the coils of the rope
I know that I know how to tie
Summoning the raptor
That dark and matronly figure
arising every so often
in the corners of what fears I have left
I know I should feel afraid of these things, but I don’t.
And, I wish you would just take me.
I wish I didn’t have to commit to everything
the nature of this reality;
commitments to our ideas
littered with paradoxes
irritating in their existence
why can’t I know?
Why don’t I have the efficacy to manifest this?
I have grown tired of fighting
Tired of the mind grinding itself
Trying to penetrate into this thing
there is a thing beyond this
there is a reason we dream
yet so debilitated
in this ephemera
I cannot stand it.
rage, that boils within me
murderous in its implication
it could be so much more
it could have been so much better
I cannot repair it-
Not in this lifetime.
Another of these paradoxes
Transmuting rage into hate
And this hate becomes a weapon
That is not for this “civilized” world
For I have felt like a wild animal for too long
it is all that I seem to be, it is all that I am
why should the world share in my traits?
it already has enough
I have had enough
As viscerality absolves civilization
I would pay any price to no longer feel
And in this way I am bound to them,
In the feeling that things will change
As we wander the æther together
Endlessly searching for some kind of solution

there is no spoon

Grizabella

For what you profess/ all that it’s worth

For what you claim as yours/ that I have an am

drowning in the duplicity

the passive-aggressive manner for which you have played

victim and oppressor

from the perch that you peck them away

one revolting, lipstick-covered-cigarette at a time

the stench of the years that you have lost

cannot merely be smudged away

in the way that abuse never subsides

pungent and permeating into everything that once held sway    

looking down your nose

at the migrant workers that have worked under your pitiless gaze

micromanaged as if compensation

for every wasted year

unable to understand that the years were wasted

in an assertion of control

reminiscence like a black banner that rolls in the wind ceaselessly

a monument of contempt without compassion

you loose control of your body

your nervous system fails you

the disease wracks you

I imagine what it must feel like

putting makeup on that skull of a face

Knowing all the glory that has faded,

Where the dreams that have subsided in the tides of time 

explain to me the struggles of having servants that; “don’t work hard enough”

tell me of the millions you have lost, One. More. Time.

Speak at me of your misplaced perceptions

-the struggle of the privileged

-the pain of the served

your sovereignty diminishes in these twilight years

where all that you have is the lasting memory

of what may never have been truly yours

through slatted rays,

I watch as the wolves of yourself

close in upon their quarry

ready to tear into the nerves of your delusion.

endless repetition

endless repetition
endlessly repeating
so searching for a catalyst
that it is endlessly defeating

with the words that never satiate
the dreams become so fleeting
in this endless repetition
that is endlessly repeating

i dreamt of something different
i dreamt of so much more
in this repetitive repetition
with so much to explore

yet it all seems so one dimensional
it all seems so plain
with this endless repetition
that always stays the same

it is this monotonous grind
this feeling i can't explain
within this redundant life that
always stays the same

it would be such a pleasure
to subsist so deluded
in this manufactured lifestyle
where it all seems so concluded

the themes become redundant
the scenes remain so fixed
i have to act surprised
when its so obvious to predict

my skills are so unwarranted
its hard to share what i feel
i know i am not broken
i know that this is real

mired in their sameness
trapped in their mundane
blindly plodding forward
into more of the same

vacantly i stood there
lifting not a finger
in their bland environment
where i began to linger

and i became a copy
i became the same
in the endless repetition
where everything is the same

i sit in traffic through the hills
i wear a this shirt and tie
my life seems to erode away
as we struggle and we die

at what point did i loose my soul?
when did my spirit fade?
why haven't all these people noticed
that are living a charade

and i question my validity
what makes this my place to say
how can they worship paper
every single day

why is this so broken
i feel so washed ashore
in an ocean of negligence
that left me wanting more

when all the dreams have died
when everything fades away
will they be proud of what they wrought
is that what they will say?

i feel trapped in time
i feel so utterly deprived
how can this be the world
when it is so utterly contrived

my mind seeks freedom
this heart it wants release
my hands are raw with effort
i want to be at peace

in this empty ideology
the way becomes so clear
they are not bound by anything
but are crushed within their fear

it takes a mighty heart
to wield a mighty soul
arise in this plane
and remake yourself as whole

there is so much left to do
and so very little time
the mountains seem so daunting
as we begin to climb

the dreams are merely sleeping
as we begin to wake
this world is merely waiting
for new visions to take shape

Plight

Of feast and famine

Hallucinations

and devils

I dream of the wrath

The sex

and the revels

The ire unfolds

In paper wings

as origami

and reigns down

on this plane

a suffocating tsunami

I dreamt

So vainly

of these meticulous places

 nature’s corruption complete

as worn

in their faces

rising in fire

this birth

of confusion

the artificial subside

mired down

in their delusion

complete in the solace

consumed within 

the cost

who gives a fuck

of these dreams,

what profits from loss

my heart remains vigilant

my mind 

so fanatical

 encroaching upon machines

the cheap

and mechanical

I will break you:

Your hearts, your minds

and your tears

I will shear you

from this world

absolve you of fears

relish with delight

in the tides

of this time

surfacing through these

realms in a place

undefined

we shall rejoice

in the ruins

of a world once expensive

the fantasy that lived

within the vacant

so extensive

the sun sets   

by the sea

a place I used to  know

where I buried my heart  

and waited

for it to grow